coming to terms with...

"Few are those who see with their own eyes, and feel with their own hearts."
~Albert Einstein~

I wonder what Al was trying to say here? I found this quote posted on the staff door at crisis clinic, a thought provoking context. Setting aside Al's context and adopting my own, I think this quote addresses the fact that so many of us lack the necessary perspective to allow ourselves full emotionality.

I believe Al is suggesting that we can become lost in seeing the world through tainted lenses "I see the world as a democrat" or "I see the world as an investment banker" or "I see the world as an alcoholic" so on and so on... when instead it is possible to remove our tainted lenses and clearly see all the differing shades of reality. Instead believe that Al is suggesting that it is impossible to view the world exclusively through one lenses and still wholly see humanity.

Perhaps this is the age old advocacy for seeking education, travel, spirituality, leadership, counseling, healing, and other such perspective-broadening experiences. For example, if I lived my whole life only seeing the world as someone in America's "middle class ," I would be denied the rich colors of understanding what it means to live a differently challenging life than I have lived; I would be denied the opportunity to relate with, understand, empathize, and build kinship with whole segments of the population - my human brothers and sisters. No, I would rather remove my lenses, and live in a world where I allow myself the perspective to see all people with my own, two eyes. That means sleeping in a homeless shelter, buying food with food stamps, and having to make tough decisions, like "do I buy my kid school supplies, or do I buy myself meds for depression?" And if you’re not able to actually gain these first-hand experiences for some reason, then bearing honest witness for the people around you who do, rather than turning a blind eye. Perhaps this interpretation of Al's words is particularly effected by the context in which I read it, but I believe that my understanding is still wholly applicable.

On a personal note, throughout my life I have often been described as an "emotional person" and depending on the speaker this can easily be either a compliment or an insult. It can mean that I am an intuitive, loving, intelligent, sensitive and caring person... or it can mean that I am constantly lost in the details of others, easy to cry, reckless in abandon, easily hurt - translation; weak. Of course, I like the first interpretation of "emotional" better, as it benefits me for being who I am naturally, but there is no denying the strong and ever-present criticism of this characteristic.

I've been emotionally struggling with my life's incessant state of frazzled transition over the past four years, and I experience a greatly heart-felt fatigue when I contemplate the upcoming changes and even further losses of stability yet to come. So, somehow the direction to embrace these changes "with my whole heart" resonates well in the caverns of my mind.

And now Al's advice applies to me, as I am presently coming to terms with:

-I am applying to take an 'incomplete' in senior thesis, I just don't think I can get it done on time... I could still walk at graduation, but I would need to wait for my degree. And even though lots of seniors find themselves in this perfectly understandable position, time and time again... I feel like I should have somehow been exempt, perfect, infallible. And to be anything short of perfect (as illogical as I know this is) makes me feel like a failure.

-I am pretty sure that I will take the camp job this summer, three months of temporary employment/housing that end in September. I love this work, but it pays NEARLY NOTHING and is not likely to bring me any closer to the personal sense of security which I presently so desire.

-If Trail asks me to live with him at the end of the summer, I will probably be very happy, but that would also mean that I would likely live in Shelton.... oh, Shelton. It's smaller than even Helena! And job opportunities? Friends? Paved roads? Not so much.

-If I don't live with Trail then, I will have no roommate, still not have a job, and I will still live (at least) 45 minutes away from my Trail-man.

-Or I could return from camp and live with my parents (OH GOD, NO!!!) while I am temporarily jobless and homeless. (AAAAA!!!)

-I still haven't heard whether or not I am returning to Japan in June. and

-I think I am getting strep throat.
Remind me to "feel with my own heart", right about now.