anger; weave yourself into my mosaic

Homesickness hit this week. Like a mutating bacteria, it has taken a new form to confuse my defenses, rendering me vulnerable to it's ravages.
I've been upset, confused, frustrated, the gamete of possible emotions. But for the first time, I'm angry. Fist clenching, arm crossing, pull your hair out - angry.

I'm fed up with backwards communication where people say what is appropriate rather than what they are thinking and feeling.

I'm exhausted from the loneliness. I stay up all freaking night with though-driven insomnia, and all day I just want to flee to my room like a bat to it's cave.When my body is out of whack, my mind and soul loose balance too. Definitely a huge component in my down-trodden state.

I want to eat fruit and not go bankrupt.

I want some freaking privacy; the city has watchful eyes at all times.

Intensive courses are mindblowing in the amount that they can teach you (and truly are a blessing to my trip) - but they are inherently intense. I'm grinding my teeth to prevent snapping like a cornered animal, I need some room to breath.

As I continue the research of my independent study I stumble down bottomless mineshafts that are the darkness of systematic government sactioned cruelties against women and minorities. I'm frustrated by the evils of a political system I can't even begin to comprehend and which I cannot discuss, for Japanese apathy makes each American look like Molly Ivins.

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And to prevent hurt feelings - I don't hate Japan, or the individuals here. I hate homesickness, and how it has unfairly tainted my usually happy perspective. Japan isn't the problem, the negative energy eating me up is the problem. This trip is great, I'm just feeling overwhelmingly "alien" right now, and I can't seem to find comfort in usually comforting places. I hate feeling angry, because deep down I believe I am an optimist.

Worst of all, I feel guilty about feeling angry. I have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, *amazing* teachers, loving friends, and people all over the world who love me. How dare I feel angry? How dare I complain? I don't know. But I have always believed that it is most healthy and honest to share all emotions - positive and negative. So here they are, my bouquet of rotten roses for you.

If the established pattern holds true, you'll see an genuinely efferevescent blog in two to three days... I have a great deal of hope that "this too shall pass" and soon my love affair with this foreign culture will be as hot and steamy (reference to the current monsoon humidity) as it ever was.

I think a lot of this frustration stems from the decision I made to leave after 1 semester. I know it was the best (if not ONLY) decision, but the sadness of my decision is like a bad summer cold; impossible to shake.

Noteworthy: Today there was a moment in one of my classes where I genuinely laughed. Laughter so loud it's embarrassing. Wipe the tear from your eye, after quakes of rolling "huh, huh's" and rosey cheeked laughter. And that felt *soooooo* good. You see, it ain't all bad.

Anger, I want to call you by your name - put you in your place, and make room for the return of beauty and joy in the mosaic of my journey.