lost at sea
I almost don't want to talk about it at all any more... but the false anonymity of the internet invites me to share more. Seek artifical solice. Pretend that these cold plastic squares which buckle beneath the pressure of my touch, are actually an intimate conversation.I feel like I'm going to pieces.
I'm not performing well in my classes. I just can't seem to "get it together." I don't even care. And I see the frustration in my professors eyes. But their disapproving looks are not enough to inspire motivation for me. This is not how I want to be remembered as a student - apathetic, listless, leaving four years of hard work with one final foul-tasting, underwhelming, and disappointing capstone of work.
I don't think I want to submit my grad school application after all. I don't think this is the right time for me to enter that program. I feel like my entire rush to apply was motivated by something insincere, like a need to prove to the world around me that I was "good enough" or "smart enough" or "responsible enough" to figure out what I am doing after graduation. I want the answer "I'm just going to be myself for a while" to adequately satisfy the burning question about my plans for the future. UW MSW may someday be just the perfect program for me, but right now I am seriously questioning my own motives, and I don't truly feel that I WANT to be in that program next fall. I want to be inspired into applying for graduate school - not pressured.
I just want to quit my meaningless part time job. It causes more stress than it is worth and robs me of free time in which I could focus on myself and my studies. But I feel afraid of jeopardizing my economic stability. I'm not exactly thrilled about the prospects of going flat broke the age of 21, just months after graduating from college.
In sum, I feel like I am not motivated, interested, or willing to continue on laboring for all of my responsibilities and commitments.
And this makes me feel like I am loosing something. Like my whole self is disintegrating in a far and wide, gray ocean of melancholy.
posted by Mo @ 11:03 AM
2 Comments:
if it helps, i've been there. and will definately go there again. i'd like to say it is as simple as "time management" but that's just a catch phrase. you do have high expectations for yourself which is probably how you have become such an intelligent, thoughtful, get-shit-done type of person. seems like your priorities are shifting a bit from get it done to digest it. both are important. i remember when i was at evergreen (and later at ocac)thinking i was going crazy because i had no time to think about what i was learning. so, i couldn't really see the value in it. i think spring break will allow you to get that space, perspective you've been needing. i know you know this. count on your friends right now even tho sometimes it's hard to be the one in need.
peas,
Cholee
...good news... i just spent 40 minutes in one of my professors office. he was totally understanding about my performance as of late. actually, by the end of the class he was talking about he himself sometimes felt insecure about his teaching, and said that he takes his work "home with him" emotionally when he fears that he isn't connecting with his students. We commiserated and reflected back one another's frustrations, insecurities, and pain. It felt really good, especially human, and productive. That is one class I am already feeling better about - and my research paper is (in time) going to rock. it will be so good... i can't wait to get the last of my resources, cause it's going to a be quality piece of work *i can just feel it*
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